"I'm a failure."
"I shouldn't have done this in the first place."
"I feel ashamed, embarrassed, and devastated."
My journey was a brief one, and it's so hard for me to be "okay" with and accept the fact that now was not my time as a Peace Corps Volunteer, even though my process to become one was relatively quick and smooth. But no amount of safety and security courses, medical background checks, interviews, Volunteers' videos, and encouragement from friends and family could have prepared me for the emotional toll and culture shock I experienced as a first-time traveler overseas.
Friends, I'm home. I've been hiding, punishing myself for not finishing out my 27-month service, and trying to figure out how to tell everyone that I'm home. Blogger was definitely not my first choice to share my short story to Kyrgyzstan and back, but it's probably the most efficient. Honestly, despite the reassurance of the very few who knew, I am really worried about being judged for not being able to "make it" as a world traveler. I quit, gave up, and simply decided that a life overseas was not for me. Not now, anyway.
By Saturday night, Kyrgyzstan time, I was really struggling. All day through training I kept sneaking off into the bathroom to cry, breathe, and then returned to classes. I kept thinking, "What am I doing here? I can't do this. I can't be more qualified than the thousands of other applicants. I'm scared, unprepared, and I don't want to continue." I'll admit, I could have possibly been too harsh on myself without giving the beautiful country a real chance, but there was a tugging in my gut and heart, that's been eating at me for months, telling me, "Don't. Do. This." I called Dr. Salima Sydykova, Head of the Medical Unit of Peace Corps Kyrgyzstan, sobbing and begging to go home. She sure didn't hesitate. An hour later, I was on the phone with Seth Fearey, the Country Director, and the nicest person on the planet, admitting I wasn't ready for this commitment and apologizing for waiting so long to speak up. Both Dr. Salima and Seth assured me though, that my realization was not too late, and I will be sent on a plane as early as Monday night. I was shocked, thinking to myself, "that was almost too easy."
I called my dad and told him that I was coming home. The final details had yet to be solidified, but in general, the plan to leave Kyrgyzstan early was in place.
My decision to leave early was possibly a rash one. Almost immediately after we began training, I felt overwhelmed, intimidated, terrified, unprepared, and didn't talk to the other Trainees or Volunteers about my decision. It was already made up in my mind that I couldn't pursue this opportunity and that I needed to turn around and come home. However, after talking with the staff, my roommate (who found me crying), and my fellow Trainees, I felt immediate relief. And guilt. Lots of guilt. Relief, because I took a chance, didn't like it, and made the choice to go home before meeting my host family and becoming involved. Guilt, because I realized I am so much more shallow than I thought. Washing my hair with a bucket, getting a "shower" that required many steps to get the water flowing, and only every few days, having a hole in the ground as my bathroom, living in underdeveloped and undesired conditions - wait, I thought this was what I always WANTED. I felt weak, and struggled to stop these pangs digging deep into my heart. These people are happy, they have all they ever need. I, as a spoiled American, was forced to admit that I couldn't live the way they do, and I feel immense shame for it. I still don't know when that feeling's going to go away.
One thing is for certain: I was not ready. I submitted my application in July 2012, was nominated as a Peace Corps Volunteer in September, and officially accepted in December. I had little time to prepare myself, mentally, emotionally, physically. I signed a contract KNOWING what I was getting myself into, but ignored the signs my body was trying to tell me. I never knew how to answer the question, "So, what made you decide to follow this Peace Corps dream?" I wanted to respond with, "I didn't feel like writing lesson plans and decided to see where this would take me," but instead, I attempted to convince myself and others that this was a dream I was meant to chase after.
My decision to leave had absolutely nothing to do with the kind and loving staff I was able to briefly work with, the aspiring Trainees I had the privilege of meeting and learning with, and the current Volunteers whom called Kyrgyzstan their second home. This was a personal decision, and it might take me some time to get over it. Who knows, given the time and opportunities to travel, maybe I'll submit another application and try again.
I want to thank everyone who supported me in this grueling process. I feel obligated to apologize for not finishing my service, and for not speaking up about my concerns and fears when I had the chance. But, in addition to not being ready to serve as a Peace Corps Volunteer, I know that this little journey I was able to experience was not a regretful one. I don't regret both 17-hour plane rides and I won't regret changing my mind. If I'd have stayed, I might have turned into a miserable, unappreciative human being, and those traits wouldn't have allowed me to make the most of my new life. I had to get out while I still could. During those 4 days in another country I discovered some things about myself I would never have stumbled upon otherwise. God gave me the opportunity to grow, and I did. I'm so grateful.
I'm still staying in touch with the other Volunteers. Several of them are writing blogs as well, and I can't wait to see what amazing things they are doing to change the world. I'm so excited to watch them learn and grow, and I know I've made lifelong friends, even in just those few days.
If anyone decides they want to apply to become a Peace Corps Volunteer, do it! I highly recommend this organization. This world renown program was designed and established by John F. Kennedy in 1961 to create peace, openness, and acceptance between the United States and its foreign friends, and continues to create alliances all over the world. If you dream of becoming a Peace Corps Volunteer, dream of serving others and putting their needs before your own, talk to me. I'd love to hear your goals and story.
"Life in the Peace Corps will not be easy. There will be no salary and allowances will be at a level sufficient only to maintain health and meet basic needs. Men and women will be expected to work and live alongside the nationals of the country in which they are stationed - doing the same work, eating the same food, talking the same language.
But if the life will not be easy, it will be rich and satisfying. For every young American who participates in the Peace Corps - who works in a foreign land - will know that he or she is sharing the great common task of bring to man that decent way of life of which is the foundation of freedom and a condition of peace." - John F. Kennedy
